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Stay connected to what matters.

Notice your objective, the relationship, and your self-respect. Choose an effective response that makes room for your needs and the other person’s.

Choose one skill.

You can stop, change skills, or seek support.

Mindful conversation

Interpersonal effectiveness · DEAR MAN

Notice. Notice your current posture, breathing, and urge to act.
Name. Name the present situation as simply as you can.
Choose. Choose this invitation if it suits the moment. You can leave it at any point.
Try. Describe the relevant facts, state how you feel, and ask clearly for what you need or say no. Explain why cooperation would help. Keep returning to the objective; use a steady manner and negotiate where appropriate.
Observe. Notice what followed, including little or no change. Decide what the situation needs next.

Stay in the interaction

Interpersonal effectiveness · Mindfully

Notice. Notice your current posture, breathing, and urge to act.
Name. Name the present situation as simply as you can.
Choose. Choose this invitation if it suits the moment. You can leave it at any point.
Try. When an urge to interrupt, attack, withdraw, or overexplain appears, pause and return to your request. Restate it simply instead of following distractions. If the interaction is unsafe, leave or seek support.
Observe. Notice what followed, including little or no change. Decide what the situation needs next.

Self-respect in the body

Interpersonal effectiveness · FAST

Notice. Notice your current posture, breathing, and urge to act.
Name. Name the present situation as simply as you can.
Choose. Choose this invitation if it suits the moment. You can leave it at any point.
Try. Notice your physical response while remaining fair to yourself and the other person. Speak truthfully, keep your values, and avoid apologizing merely for having a need. You can take responsibility for actual harm without surrendering your limit.
Observe. Notice what followed, including little or no change. Decide what the situation needs next.

Gentle, interested, present

Interpersonal effectiveness · GIVE

Notice. Notice your current posture, breathing, and urge to act.
Name. Name the present situation as simply as you can.
Choose. Choose this invitation if it suits the moment. You can leave it at any point.
Try. Avoid threats or attacks. Listen with genuine interest, acknowledge what is understandable in the other person’s experience, and use an approachable manner. Eye contact and posture can vary; effectiveness does not require a performance.
Observe. Notice what followed, including little or no change. Decide what the situation needs next.

Notice what is already here.
Include a little more.
Listen for what changes.
And return when you choose.